The Illustrious History of Kickin' Ass on the Grass
Kickin' Ass on the Grass I
In May of 1998, a bitter fued was going on within the pages of the Hampshire College magazine, The Omen. Veteran "Section: Hate!" writer Paul "The Morose Bastard" Boyer and columnist Mat "Mr. Machismo" Lauritsen were at each other's throats. Boyer was blaming Lauritsen for filling The Omen with "unreadable" articles that contributed to the magazine going soft. Lauritsen lashed back with this challenge.
"In hopes of showing certain members of the Hampshire community that The Omen has not, in fact, "gone soft," I, Mathew Lauritsen hereby challenge Paul Boyer to a public wrestling match, at a time and place to be decided. Furthermore, I extend this challenge to any member of the Hampshire community who would wage similarly insulting views. In the event that I am disabled, Dave Killen, of "Shaken, Not Stirred," will take up the slack. This challenge is completely serious."
Paul Boyer responded.
"...I have received your challenge and I accept. For those of you who do not know to what I am referring, Mathew Lauritsen felt insulted by an article of mine in this very paper and has challenged me to a wrestling match. Since included in this challenge was his toady, David Killen, I will have a tag-team partner of my own. Mat, you extended your challenge to anyone who holds views similar to mine on the softness of The Omen; a month previously, Jacob Chabot, whom you also insulted in your last article, wrote an article of his own expressing such views. Therefore, we together shall face you and Dave. Be prepared."
Boyer had recruited Jacob "The Beetle" Chabot, due to both Chabot's stand on The Omen and the fact that Boyer was a tall thin man while Chabot weighed in at 180 lbs. Mat Lauritsen brought aboard "Thrillin'" Dave Killen to even the odds.
The historic event took place on May 1st on the library lawn at 3:00pm, only about a hundred yards from the grand opening of the Hampshire College Yurt (don't ask). Needless to say, Kickin' Ass on the Grass outdrew this "memorable" occasion by about fifty people. An open invitation was made to anybody in the crowd who had a grudge to take it to the ring. There were no takers, but this would become tradition. Lauritsen and Boyer stepped onto the lawn and the referee Travis Dale started the match.
The Morose Bastard was pinned by Mr. Machismo 76 seconds later. Not wanting to disappoint the many that had gathered to watch this brutal grudge match, "Thrillin'" Killen and The Beetle stepped into the ring. They fought for several minutes, there were several close calls but no pin. Boyer took it upon himself to run into the ring to help his partner, but was quickly intercepted by Lauritsen. Finally, Killen felt the fatigue of battling the man who would become "The most dangerous man in the WWC," and tagged Lauritsen back in. Boyer called for The Beetle to tag him back in, as The Beetle was also visibly tired, but The Beetle remembered what happened the last time Boyer was in the ring and decided to tough it out. The Beetle struggled, but the end was inevitable. Lauristen got the pin shortly after. This would begin one of the most bitter fueds in the WWC.
Kickin' Ass on the Grass II
It was May, 1999 and the fledgling WWC was now in full swing. All season, The Beetle had been battling Dick Turpis, Paul Boyer's new identity, and his "ragtag band of miscreants" - Fatt Devn, Wrasslin' Janet Reno, and The Old Geezer. Fatt Devn was the WWC's first World Heavyweight Champion of the World after defeating The Beetle at the 1999 All Community Rumble. Their rematch was to be the main event at the second Kickin' Ass on the Grass.
The Urban Koala vs. Clive Cockburn, winner - Clive Cockburn by pinfall
Hank Newcastle was supposed to fight Little Hitler, but after the Quarrel in the Quad with The Beetle, Hitler had vanished. Instead, Hank would put the rookie through his paces.
Elvis Aron Presley vs. Hank Newcastle in a New Blood Initiation match, winner Elvis Aron Presley by pinfall.
American Poster Boy vs. Major Threat, Announcers Comrade Bren and Dr. Zu entered the ring to defeat both of these two by putting them through the announcer's table.
Wrasslin' Janet Reno vs. Greg Grundle, winner - Greg Grundle by DQ after interference from Dick Turpis.
After a short period with The Beetle nowhere to be found, a car bearing the Beetle symbol came out of nowhere and drove up to the ring. It was The Beetle with his partner The Beetlechair! The match was on!
Fatt Devn the Napefucker vs. The Beetle for the WWC World Heavyweight Championship of the World, winner - The Beetle by pinfall.
After The Beetle escaped from the devastating Napefuck for the pin, Fatt Devn did not get up. After a quick examination from Dr. Gareth Edel, he appeared to have had a small heart attack, but in reality, he was stone cold dead. This was most likely due to drug and alchohol abuse. Dick Turpis attacked The Beetle and all Hell broke loose. Every WWC wrestler jumped in the ring for the biggest free-for-all ever seen. Hank Newcastle, who also had beef with The Beetle, ended up being thrown into The Beetlemobile by The Beetle. The Beetle drove away but forgot the belt.
Kickin' Ass on the Grass III
Things did not look good for the wrestlers of the World Wrestling Collective in the Spring of 2000, Gerald Douglas Payne, otherwise known as GDP, had just been elected President. He then started cutting costs left and right in order to maximize the WWC's profitablity. He got rid of his two biggest threats, Hank Newcastle and The Beetle, by making these former enemies have to team up.
Scoutmaster Lewis vs. Mal Practice, The Physical Pharmacist, winner - Mal Practice by pinfall
Big Gay Pimp vs. Hunter S. Thompson in a New Blood Initiation Match, winner - Big Gay Pimp by pinfall
The Vigilante Squad (Umassacre and The Temple) vs. The European Union, winner - The European Union by pinfall
Tyrone Jenkins vs. Clive Cockburn, winner - Clive Cockburn by DQ
The Road Warrior entered the ring and revealed that he had been Li'l Hitler all along!
Li'l Hitler vs. The Professional for the 5 College Championshiplt, winner - The Professional by pinfall
Hank Newcastle and The Beetle vs. GDP and Major Threat, winner - Hank Newcastle and The Beetle by pinfall
Elvis had been taunted with his match with a mystery opponent all afternoon by GDP. When the match was on, his opponent was revealed to be. . . Hunter S. Thompson, his comrade in arms!
Elvis Aaron Presley vs. Hunter S. Thompson for the WWC World Heavyweight Championship of the World, winner - Elvis Aaron Presley by pinfall
Kickin' Ass on the Grass IV
These were dark days for the WWC. It was May, 2001 and GDP was rearing his ugly head again. His stooge, the mysterious masked Spirit of Rock and Roll had the World Heavyweight Championship of the World Belt and nobody could get it off of him. Morale was low. GDP stepped up at the start of the show to announce that the WWC had become unprofitable. Therefore, he had sold it to private prison mogul Jean Claude Sodexho. This would be the last show the WWC would perform. On with the show.
Scoutmaster Lewis vs. Mal Practice, The Physical Pharmacist and The Hawaiian Slasher, winner - Scoutmaster Lewis by forfeit
El Nastico vs. Darth Nader, winner - El Nastico by pinfall
Former WWC President Alex Kreit entered the ring to give a speech on how he had created the WWC in the first place and that nobody else could claim any credit. In a shocking turn of events, Fatt Devn, who everyone had believed to be dead, entered the ring to give a rousing pep talk on how the WWC existed because of the efforts of all and challenged Alex Kreit to a match.
Fatt Devn the Napefucker vs. Alex Kreit, winner - Alex Kreit by pinfall
Umassacre vs. Big Papa Smurf for the 5 College Championship, winner - Big Papa Smurf by pinfall
After this match, GDP fired Umassacre. This was merely one last bitter effort by GDP since all the wrestlers would be out of jobs by the end of the day.
At this time, special guest Hank Newcastle got up to give a small speech and was inturrupted by L'il Hitler! It seems that things still remained to be settled since Kickin' Ass on the Grass II.
Hank Newcastle vs. Li'l Hitler in a Last Man Standing match, winner - Hank Newcastle
As the title match was about to begin, Elvis Aaron Presley returned from his eight month stay in the hospital to reveal that the one who shot him was GDP!
Elvis Aaron Presley vs. GDP, winner - GDP by pinfall
The Professional vs. The Spirit of Rock and Roll for the WWC World Heavyweight Championship of the World, winner - The Spirit of Rock and Roll by pinfall.
GDP was victorious. He had beaten down everyone who opposed him. He had his pockets full of cash from the sale of the promotion. The Spirit would retire the WWC Heavyweight Title. Then The Beetle returned.
The Beetle vs. The Spirit of Rock and Roll for the WWC World Heavyweight Championship of the World, winner - The Beetle by submission
The World Wrestling Collective is disbanded. The wrestlers strewn across the globe. Is there any hope that these valiant warriors will ever reunite to do battle again? It all remains to be seen. . .